Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Realisation - An Open Letter


Today I realised something, and I knew it would be only right to address you as the realisation sunk in. 

Thinking your okay does not always mean you are. Up until Sunday, I thought panic attacks would never re-enter my life. I thought that by warning you of their possible cropping up, that it would render them powerless to appear in my daily life. 

Oh, how wrong I was. I told you that I had a diagnosed panic disorder, personality disorder and anxiety, with depressive tendencies. You laughed, acknowledged it, and I thought that by being open it would be okay. No such luck. Sunday morning brought with it eye bags, unease, a tight chest and ultimately a panic attack. I was terrified you would hold it against me. You said you were worried about me. Not to me, I must admit, but I have connections. I thought it would be okay and yet by Monday we had parted ways and your announcement led me to a panic so awful that it took medication and almost 2 hours to overcome. So thanks for that. I haven't been medicated in 18 months. I haven't ever had physical symptoms accompany the mental terror that I know to be a panic. Up until Sunday I knew that a panic attack is a physiological reaction to a situation wherein the sufferer is feeling life threatening danger. It is a mental thing. I know I'm safe when it happens. I didn't know that I would wind up in the back room of my chemists being medicated in an emergency situation. 

But I digress. 

Today I realised that I was not okay then, and I suppose I'm not okay now. But I know that now and I suppose it was because of you that realisation occurred to me. 

So thank you for giving me the opportunity to reflect and from here, rebuild. 

I guess you did me a favour. 

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